adriansp's Blog

Time doesn't heal all wounds

We can't change the past because its a past. It's called a past for a reason.Some people are eager to move on and prone tonletting go of the past. We dont know how they do I. Is it because they don't care? Is it because they are just not too hung up on the past? For whatever the reasons maybe, I am envious of them. I can't quite understand myself. I live with past memories. Theysaid as you grow older you will forget. Your long term memory is demented. Though its a psychological disorder thst most ofn us tried to fight its can become a permanent antidote for for letting go of the past. They said first love takes the longest to forget. Why do we remember it when we are trying to forget? Why does the child hood memories seem to linger the longest? Why does we care a lot when we aren't supposed to?

A Man with Nothing but Marriage on his Mind

So i just turned 28 years old and i'm an Asian girl. That should give you a very good idea about my entry content. My relatives are reminding me of  how they had a few kids when they were 28. I usually sit and listen- uncomfortably. I imagine myself raising 2-3 kids at 28 in the 21st century. Pretty scary! How did they have kids and have a career at the same time? They always asked when i will get marry, have kids, and do i have a bf yet. To me, they got that order backward because i prefer having a guy friend, date the guy friend, travel, talk about marriage, getting marry, and then have kids. My life should follow in that order or if i can stretch it out longer, i would definitely be happy. 

To avoid the headache, I stopped attending family functions with an excuse that I have work. It's a legitimate excuse and because i am really busied too with being a consultant. When they call i wouldn't pick up and would email them instead because i can avoid answering their personal questions via email. But my relatives enjoy giving my cell phone number out to random men. So they text!

One day my aunt called me. She called me 6 times so i thought there should be an emergency. I picked up and she started to tell me about a boy. I declined politely. It happened that he was with her that day. So convenient, he grabbed the phone and started to introduce himself. I was being polite answering his questions. I told him i had to go and hung up the phone.

The next day he texted me because i didn't pick up his phone call. He wanted to marry me. He said he wanted to share his life with a decent and smart woman like me. I was flattered, shocked, flustered, and excited. My aunt must had told him how great i am which I admit that i am. He's a 27 years old boy who does manual work and lived alone. He has multiple tattooes and body piercing. He drives very fast and loves fast car. He has spikey hair, drink, and smoke and party. He also added that he loves to make women feel good. The most important thing was he wanted to have a woman that can tie him down. I was interested in his life and what kind of a man he was. TBH, it was amusing. The man was high on his ego so i let him go on and on. He went on telling me he wanted kids. He can cook. He doesn't own a house.

I laughed very sarcastically.  Why would he want a woman to tie him down? Should this be a decision that any reasonble person would make? Why is he in a hurry to get marry at 27? He doesn't have a house so how and where his children are going to live? Who would still have spikey hair? He sounded like a drama and a bag of incomplete business to me. It was nice to offer someone marriage but why would he want to marry a girl like me who he hasn't met and have no clue about me.

I stopped taking his messages. My aunt called me asking why i rejected him. I said "he was a nut case"!

My point is, well i can't speak for everyone, that being an asian girl is rough. When you hit an age, 28 years old, people are starting to tell you that you're old and nobody wants to wed you. I get it all the time. I guess i can't run away from people's comments because i'm surrounded by narrow minded and old-fashion older generation. When will they understand that Marriage is a choice? Maybe their kids or other people want marriage like in their teens or twenties, that doesn't mean I do.

For a guy like him to suggest marriage when he hasn't met me yet is an offensive offer because i may be 28 but i'm not desperate! For people to say "you're married yet?, stop projecting your own traditional values on me.

By all means, i appreciate your concerns but everyone's timeline is different. Let it be!

What an Idiot

I felt like a complete idiot when I failed my biology exam 1 and wrote some last minutes quiz answers. Embarrased and felt like a complete idiot!

With Love, V.P. August 2003

I once had everything. A man who loves me dearly. He was the air that I breath, the sweetness of my lips, and the happiness that I smile. But everything changed when I realized that I can breath on my own, I can be happy by myself, and the sweetness of my lips wasn't from him. He let me be free and independent within his garden. And one day I saw a crack at the fence, I opened the door out of curiosity. I saw a world beyond his garden and began to enjoy the comfort of self-reliant and practicing resilience. He stood there begging me not to leave but I was persistent to define his orders. I went too far and forgot the way home. When I looked back to find him, he was no longer there. Sad and lost! Those smiles turned into thousand tears. I want him to know that I love him and wish the best for him. Because I miss him and will always love him until the day  I die. My tears will always cry just for him and nobody else. Because I have never leave the garden he built for me. Because my heart had die when I left him. Because he was the only person that made my world a better place. 

 I now know what it means to love someone. Your heart hurt a little and you cry a little. 

Steve Jobs - An Inspiration

As a Microsoft fan I was never fond of Apple Products. To me they are backward and lack of options. Now the founder is gone, I took a moment to read his brief biography. To be honest I'm inspired and can relate in many aspects. Never read anybody biography, but will read his just because i'm inspired!

Adrian Sparks

Adrian Sparks, the girl with red lips
long dark brown hair and tan skin tone
smiling in the morning sun of east coast breeze
wearing a mustard color skirt with white top
hair is pinned back in a pearl pin

Where are  you heading to my dear Adrian?

"heading back to where it's all started"
"You know, the summer!"
Off she goes, the beautiful Adrian!
May you be in the sun of summer heat forever...
Adrian Sparks!

Falling for Someone

I've been having strong emotion lately concerning how I feel for this man i'm dating. Something is growing fast within my heart and it hurts when all the insecurity evade my mind. The chemical that was responsible for happiness now depressed my state of mind. I'm experiencing the "need to be togetherness all the time feeling". I can feel my self wanting to but I don't want to because I know better. It sucks, isn't it? I don't make contact with him via text, email, or calling because I know if i do then i'll say something stupid.

Dating is the most stressful phase in the relationship and as a human I find the process tragic. The emotional turmoil that captures your thoughts and the annoyance insecurities circle above my sensitive heart. This heat is just too much to bear!

This the break-it or make-it state because people tend to give up due to intense feeling. Insecurity does play a big role in head right now because I'm afraid of harboring too much feeling for him. And the feeling isn't mutual.

Falling for someone means you think about him everyday and most of your time. You feel sad because you're thinking he's not feeling the same way you do. When he doesn't see you, you feel that he's not interested. Falling for someone strips your confident, emotional stability, and self-identity. You start to worry how you are around him and things you said normally funny now is just weird to you. Your emotion jumps up and down like a roller coaster. You may feel happy when he calls and when he's not you're all sad. You don't recall yourself anymore because you want to do everything with him and you start to include him in your plan.

You crave the closedness, see his smile, hear his voice, and hold his hands. Emotion is a strong storm. It takes away yourself!

How to control this process? You just can't but you can delay it by starting to do activities on your own. Stop all contacts with him...

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Previous Posts
Time doesn't heal all wounds, posted February 18th, 2013
A Man with Nothing but Marriage on his Mind, posted April 19th, 2012
What an Idiot, posted February 29th, 2012
With Love, V.P. August 2003, posted October 10th, 2011
Steve Jobs - An Inspiration, posted October 7th, 2011
Adrian Sparks, posted October 2nd, 2011
Falling for Someone, posted September 22nd, 2011

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